Hie^’u Tha?o - The Filial Piety of Today’s Generation.
A perspicacious attempt to traditionally define "hie^’u tha?o" with an acculturated stance.
Hie^’u Tha?o is a word that is ingrained in every Vietnamese. It means showing loyal reverence to one’s parents.
A proverb notoriously known among every Vietnamese goes:
Co^ng cha nhu* nu’i tha’i so*n. Nghi a me. nhu* nu*o*’c trong nguo^`n cha?y ra. Mo^.t lo`ng tho*` me. ki’nh cha. Cho tro`n chu*? hie^’u mo*’i la` dda.o con.
The overall message of the proverb is to remind children of ‘dda.o con’, or the responsibility of being a child. Hie^’u Tha?o is the moral fiber of a being a child. So what is the responsibility of being a child? Is it the daily chores of taking out the trash and do the dishes, or is there something more?
Vietnamese values teach that, ultimately, to be a child is to honor, respect and obey your parents. Though never publicly broadcasted, I understood very well the underlying implication that to be ‘con ngoan’ (a good child) is to look out for your parents’ well-being and happiness.
Then I wondered, am I con ngoan? Ever since I can remember, I have always tried to please my parents. Being an eldest, it was my duty to keep up the role-model image for my sisters to follow. My parents were always very critical about how I should behave around my sisters, how well I should do in school, and how I should manage my household chores.
I remember one summer, my dad had ordered my sisters and I not to watch any movie at home because we were wasting too much time. He hid all the movies we had. But the minute he left, we scrambled to search for the movies, and watched it anyway. Later that day, he called me out to the side. He told me that my disobedience had disappointed him, especially since I supposed to set an example for my sisters. His words hurt.
I want to be con ngoan. I want to be virtuous and honorable, to adhere to the standards and values my parents have taught. I want to embrace hardship and be selfless - sacrificing myself for the greater good of the family. I want my parents to be proud of me. At some point, their expectations of who I should be became that of my own.
Nevertheless, living up to this ideal has granted me neither the happiness nor the satisfaction I anticipated. As I grew and became more exposed to the different philosophies of life, I found that I’m evolving into a person that no longer fits the stringent model that I have established. I do not want to just make my parents happy. I want to make myself happy.
But what makes me happy anyway?
Didn’t my happiness rest upon my parents’ happiness and their well-being? Wasn’t my happiness supposed to derive from doing well in school, obtaining a good job, preserving honor to the family name, and seeing that I have indirectly contributed to my sisters’ success? If so, then why am I still not satisfied with my state of being? Could it be because these standards of happiness were not defined by me, but by society and the culture I was raised in?
There is always a burning desire in me to explore the person that I want to be. There is a desire to break free from my family’s expectations and just be me, whoever that is. Yet, all these years I did nothing. I dreaded that this desire would be condemned as an act of selfishness and cowardice, especially when my family always seems to need me.
“You can’t go away for college! Your sisters need your guidance!”
“You shouldn’t move out because people would talk, suspecting you’ve done a misdeed, or your family has mistreated you.”
“We both are working very hard all day, everyday in the week for you guys, why don’t you stay and help us take care of the family?”
With continuous showering of these classic comments, how could I have the heart to break free?
Hie^’u Tha?o is not in the English dictionary, but it is in the Vietnamese one. Being a Vietnamese-American, where, then, should I stand in this new patched up definition?
Last month, I gathered up my courage, packed my bags, and broke away.